Alcoholics Anonymous, or Something Like It
by Instant Coffee
Summary: A one-shot in which the Titan girls are fed up with the boys' video game obsessions and try to get them to confess that they have a problem, AA-style. No fluff. Just fun. Happy reading!


**Alcoholics Anonymous…or Something Like It**

**Disclaimer: **No...I don't own the Teen Titans, or anything about them...I do, however, own a snazzy desktop wallpaper that has Raven on it! :D

I don't own the idea of "Alcoholics Anonymous" either...that association was made way before my time...I believe... :S

Enjoy! :P

* * *

It was as though they were having a staring contest with the screen.

Raven sighed, looking at the three boys disgustedly through the top of her book. All of them had their attention focused unblinkingly on the TV screen before them, watching as the graphic-enhanced racecars whizzed past each other. The faint sound of video game controllers clicking away could be heard. Only two of the boys were playing, and Beast Boy had dibs on racing the winner.

The dark girl settled her book in her lap to get a better look at the three male Titans. She didn't understand. It was a _game_; a digitally re-mastered _item_ they so foolishly spent twenty dollars on. As far as she was concerned, video games such as the one Robin, Cyborg, and Beast Boy were presently enjoying were worthless pieces of junk.

_But that doesn't explain why they can't _blink_ every once in a while_, Raven thought, perplexed.

She shifted to the edge of her seat for a moment to look at their faces. _And they drool, too_, she thought, half-amusedly. _Great. They're superheroes _and _animals. I'm surprised they don't drink from toilets yet._

She was going back to her book when, all of a sudden, an explosion of laughter and whooping was audible.

"BOOYAH!" Cyborg shouted, punching the air with a fist. "Next victim!" he cackled.

Robin groaned, and trudged to the now vacant spot that Beast Boy once sat himself in. Within the time it took Raven to blink an eye, he and the others became stupefied once more.

The Goth rolled her eyes at this.

"It is a grotesque way to go through life, is it not?"

Raven could have jumped. Could have. But she didn't. Starfire _had_ startled her, though, but it wasn't something she fancied showing.

"Pathetic," she remarked.

Starfire dragged in a chair from the kitchen and sat next to her friend, the chair's backing supporting her stomach and head.

"It is a shame for the crying to see such heroic figures slump down and deteriorate before our eyes by participating in the playing of videoed games of this sort." Starfire sighed, and watched them boringly.

Raven was more than happy to inform Starfire that she, too, found the whole thing irksome. "I couldn't even imagine myself anywhere _near_ that thing…I mean, it's like _poison_, for goodness' sake. I'd be at my wit's end in just one game."

"Have they blinked yet?" Starfire inquired of Raven.

"Not to my knowledge."

The two girls sighed.

"And I'm sure they know the joys of what nature brings outside of the Tower, yes?"

Raven scoffed. "Yeah, but I'm sure they find the joys of what Sony brings much more enjoyable."

"I have yet to figure out why," the Tameranian commented.

"Me too."

A moment later, Starfire pummeled the head of her chair with a fist. "We must do something," she protested.

Raven merely shot an eyebrow up at her. "Like what? Unplug the system and tell them they need to stop their video game addiction?"

"That is a marvelous approach!" Starfire said, in awe of how quickly Raven thought up the idea.

"It was sarcasm," Raven said dryly.

"But it works!" the alien smiled optimistically.

"And then what?" Raven sighed, half-interestedly. "Run from them because they're going to be so angry that they couldn't at least _save_ the game before we unplugged their system?"

Starfire put a finger to her bottom lip, and then looked at Raven, bright-eyed. "Actually, Friend Raven, I have a more suitable plan."

Raven cocked her head to one side, an eyebrow raised once more. Clearly, 'Friend Starfire' didn't understand the meaning of the word 'sarcasm'.

---

Several hours later, the girls finalized their ideas in the sanctuary that was the rooftop.

"Then it is settled," Starfire confirmed, slamming a fist into her free hand firmly. "We will use the element of surprise, and we must execute our plan as we agreed to save our friends from becoming mindless zombies!"

"'Mindless zombies'?" Raven repeated incredulously. "You've been hanging out with Beast Boy a lot lately, haven't you?"

"Lately, he is the only one who wishes to partake in the ritual of devouring sugared candies while watching an at-home movie," she smiled embarrassingly, scratching the back of her head.

Raven just gave her a blank look, and then stood up. "Let's just get this over with," she said, "before I fry all of my brain cells just _thinking_ about them and their video games out here."

Starfire agreed, and walked off with Raven.

The portal that blocked off the living room opened to reveal the three additional Titans in the same state they were in before. Robin was now playing Beast Boy, and Cyborg was teetering on the armrest of the couch, playing with an imaginary controller – imitating the moves made on the screen with his hands clicking furiously at nothing.

Raven looked at Starfire, and they both nodded to each other – a strict look on both of their faces. This _had_ to be done…for the boys' sakes.

_And_ theirs.

"I fear Beast Boy looks worse than he did when he was hypnotized by Mad Mod in that corrupted dome they called a school," Starfire said, analyzing the forms of the boys on the couch.

"We have no time to waste. Every second is a brain cell waiting to be lost," Raven said, striding towards the common area at full speed. Starfire nodded, and glided right behind her.

The alien princess observed the boys with distaste as she looked at them face to face. _They are like spellbound monkeys…_ she thought.

She waved a hand in their faces. No reaction.

She went up to the TV screen and flew in front of it, so as to block most of the middle part of the picture. The boys simply leaned over to another side and continued playing with what they could see.

Raven felt her head starting to throb with fury just watching them. "_Enough_," she said harshly, surrounding the game system's wiring with black energy, and unplugging it from its socket, grasping the wire.

The screen blacked out automatically. And just like that, the boys snapped out of their mesmerized trance.

"What the…?" said Cyborg.

"Who did that?" was Beast Boy's question.

"Where the…_hey_! PERPETRATOR!" Robin screamed, pointing at Raven as soon as he saw her. She froze on the spot wide-eyed, still holding the plug in her hand.

Cyborg and Beast Boy followed Robin's finger, and saw the same picture Robin did. "GET HER!" Beast Boy yelled, frantically attempting to get off the couch like the others.

Raven didn't know what to do. She wasn't sure if she could _move_. She didn't expect this type of reaction from them, though, that's for sure.

The psychic made a mental note to thank Starfire, however, as the boys came after her recklessly, and the redhead hovered in front of her, guarding her, the green in her eyes glowing, and her hands carrying the same energy. Raven instinctively readied herself as well, her hands now glowing black.

"Leave her at peace," Starfire demanded, "and sit down."

"Are you _kidding_ me?!" the changeling protested coldly. "She's the one who took out the – "

"I. SAID. _SIT_!" she yelled strictly, making everyone jump – including Raven.

The boys attempted to smile at her meekly, and hurried over to the couch once more when her expression didn't change.

"Way to enforce the element of surprise," Raven muttered, as the boys backed away.

Starfire stood beside Raven now, and took the plug out of her hands.

"Friends," said Starfire, in the most lecture-worthy voice she could muster. "It has come to our attention that these games you are playing are shaping you into delusive states of being."

The boys blinked.

"_Hello_?!" she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Why do you not respond? Did you hear not what I had said?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on a sec, Star," Beast Boy said, his hands up innocently, eyes closed in concentration. "My brain is still trying to _render_ the last thing you said."

Starfire fumed, and stalked behind Raven, who was pushed to say something. She looked at Starfire and then to the boys on the couch.

"Um."

The boys glowered at her, as if saying that their fun was ruined because of her.

Raven sighed and turned back to Starfire, who just prodded her on, smiling reassuredly. She rolled her eyes and turned to the boys on the couch once more.

"Let's just make this easy for you gals, OK?" Cyborg negotiated. "Just hand us back the plug, and get back to your little meditating or whatever you were doing. You go have _your_ fun, and we'll have _ours_, deal?" he smiled.

Raven could feel the beginnings of fume starting to rise in her body. "That's all you care about, isn't it?" she said to nobody in particular. "Paradise – your _paradise_ – is the equivalent to this…this brain deteriorating _demon_ you call a _video game_?"

The boys simply looked at each other and nodded.

"So…can you plug that thing back in already?" Beast Boy said, yawning, as if he were bored with the situation at hand.

Raven eyed him furiously – her eyes almost instantly took on a lustrous black feature that made the changeling shrink into his seat.

"If. I. Hear. _One_. More. Plea…." Raven threatened, her hands starting to glow with black energy as well. With each word she stepped forward, and with each word, the boys shrunk into the couch – in Beast Boy's case, however, he jumped over the said furniture.

Starfire was starting to giggle now at the cowering male Titans and Raven's fury. It was all getting entertaining, but she had to correct things before they got seriously out of hand.

"Boys," she declared, in a matter-of-fact tone. "What Raven and I are attempting to announce is that, from what we have observed, you are all made severe addicts of this gaming system, and must stop playing it so much, and merely admit that you have a problem – "

"_Problem_?!" Cyborg shrieked. "Look, there _is_ no _problem_."

"Denial," said Raven passively.

Cyborg's eye started to twitch angrily, but he tried to keep his voice serene. "No one. Is in. Denial."

"So now you're _denying_ that you're in denial, is that a correct assessment?" Raven contemplated aloud.

"…_Raven…_" Cyborg growled.

"_Cyborg_…" Raven said just as menacingly.

"This 'denial' is getting us nowhere," Starfire intruded, making everyone look at her once more. "What Raven and I planned on doing to make you all realize your problems is hold something similar to a 'Socratic Seminar'. That is to say, each of you will admit your problems and be cleansed of your virtual gaming fixations!" she stated, ever optimistically.

"You mean," Robin said, eyeing the girls suspiciously, "something like an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting?"

"Precisely!" Starfire smiled, clasping her hands together harmoniously.

"O…K…. I'm out," Robin said, trying to get over the sofa. He would have, had Raven not, at that second, restrained him, Beast Boy, and Cyborg into their places on the couch. "I guess I have no choice then," he muttered, after being forced seating.

"Now, let the cleansing commence!" Starfire said in a bubbly manner, situating herself on the coffee table alongside Raven.

Raven sighed, looking at the boys. "Come on, don't be shy. You're all going to have to admit to it anyway."

"Look, there is no _way _you're all getting me to say that I admit to having an addiction to video games. It's not gonna happen," Cyborg said smugly.

"Uh…you just did," Raven stated pointedly, a smirk spreading across her face.

"Huh?!" Cyborg furrowed his brow, trying to recall what he had said. …_I admit to having an addiction to video games…_. He growled furiously again, trying to free himself of the black energy surrounding him. "Oh, I see, so y'all wanna play dirty, is that it?!"

"Just, consider yourself cleansed, Cyborg," Raven shrugged, making the android even angrier.

"I don't get why _we_ have to do this," Beast Boy complained. "I mean, why do _we_ have to admit to problems and not you two? WE'RE NOT THE ONLY PROBLEM-PRONE PEOPLE IN THIS TOWER!" he huffed in a loud voice.

The girls looked at each other.

"OK, fine," Raven said crossly, folding her arms. "I admit. I have a problem."

Beast Boy smirked, satisfactorily. "And your problem is…?" he egged.

"It's _you_," the half-demon said, glaring at him. Beast Boy slumped into his seat once more, his face deadpanned from Raven's comment.

"Now it is your turn, Beast Boy," Starfire prodded. "Proceed to your cleansing."

The changeling gave her a look, and then sighed into his confession. "Fine. I have a problem. I can't clip my toenails because Raven _still_ hasn't given me back my nail clippers. _That I paid for_!" he added.

"I have another problem," Raven recalled. "Beast Boy can't even eat _pancakes _for breakfast because they're made with _eggs_! Even though they have no _meat_ in them whatsoever and aren't made to become baby chicks, as they have no rooster chromosomes in them!"

"Someone's been watching too much of the _Magic School Bus_!" Beast Boy fired back.

"And _tofu_," Raven added. "Who eats that much tofu in one day?!"

"Oh, I hear you there!" Cyborg chimed in.

Beast Boy tried his best to drown out the sounds of Raven and Cyborg's voice by yelling "La la la la la…."

"I fear the rekmaas have come at last," Starfire said quietly, shaking her hanging head, her eyes starting to water.

_They're just trying to help us…_

"ENOUGH!"

The three Titans stopped arguing, and whirled their heads around to Robin, following his command.

"This is getting _way_ out of hand," he confirmed, still unable to move from the bubble of black energy surrounding him. "Look, I know Starfire and Raven meant well when they planned this out, but the way this 'seminar' is going, we're never going to get anything done. So, I'll start."

Starfire and Raven looked at each other, and focused back onto Robin.

"I have a confession," he said, as if the statement were old. "I'm… addicted to video games." The sentence was rushed.

Robin felt a pang in his stomach, and his mind cleared. The Boy Wonder looked at the two girls astonished, and said, "That's weird…I…I feel…_relieved_."

Starfire beamed and raised a hand to Raven, who looked at it in distaste for a second, and then gave in, slapping it with her own.

Raven then released the bubble surrounding Robin, and he sat next to Starfire, him and the two females now looking at Beast Boy with a raised eyebrow.

"Ah…geez. Fine. I have a problem," Beast Boy mimicked. "I'm addicted to video games, too." The ridiculing expression on the green adolescent's face changed instantly.

"Better?" Starfire asked.

Beast Boy looked at her in disbelief. "Much. Dude, you weren't kidding," the changeling said in awe, looking at Robin.

"And the grand finale…" Robin said, looking at Cyborg and registering Beast Boy's amazement.

Cyborg huffed. "I'm _not_ addicted."

Raven sighed. "Are you really going to make this even harder than it has to be?"

"I'm _not_ addicted," he repeated firmly.

"Fine." Raven crossed her arms and stood up as though she was about to leave. "But you _are_ staying there until you can admit to your problems."

"Fine," Cyborg said, doing his best to shrug in the situation he was in.

The two girls and two freed Titan males left Cyborg on the couch.

"Y'know," Beast Boy said to no one person in particular, "if Cy stays that ignorant long enough, I'll be able to force feed him some of my _delicious_ tofu dogs for dinner."

"SAY WHAT?!" Cyborg screamed from the couch, now struggling to get out.

"With soy milk…and maybe some tofu fries on the side…aw man, I can't wait."

"Aw, come on, dawg, that ain't funny!"

"Why feed him at all?" Raven said. "If he can't admit to his problems, then he shouldn't eat."

"I agree," Robin nodded. "It'll save us from buying at _least _two more pounds of ribs for next week."

"OK! OK! I REPENT! I REPENT!" Cyborg cried to the wisp of Robin's cape and the closed door that left him deserted in the living room. "AW…COME _ON_!"

* * *

Thanks for reading! Now if you would be so kind as to review...:D. 


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